Bad Seed

SLEEP

2009-11-21T16:37:00.001+02:00

I want to fall asleep here tonight
Amongst the countless lost souls
Ones that have lost the big fight
Having given up on all their goals

I want to go to sleep here tonight
Where the night will last forever
As things have gone black and white
Since we can never be together

I want to sleep here tonight
And never wake up

IT AIN'T

2009-11-07T00:58:00.001+02:00

Outdid myself today, lost all sense
Some will hate and some will say it's dense
But I found the line now
And I'm jumping over the fence
It ain't suicide if it's self-defense

I'm all done now, made my amends
Had enough of you all, no offense
And I can't take it
It's gotten all too tense
It ain't suicide if it's self-defense

IN THE BLUE

2009-10-14T23:18:00.003+03:00

You're mad at me for not standing beside you
Because I'm simply just too miserable to
If you have your problems, well, I have mine, too
So give me a break, I'm already lost in the blue

SLOWLY

2009-10-14T23:14:00.003+03:00

Holding my breath in the night
Preparing myself for the fight
That I'll have to face the next day
Plus every other day

It got so much harder somehow
Thinking to cope, I don't know how
It'll like something died inside of me
And malfunctioned the rest of me

Now I don't know what to do
Don't know who I could turn to
I'm running out of options it seems like
But it doesn't work like the motto of Nike

But slowly...
I'm getting there slowly...

EVIL

2009-09-30T18:49:00.003+03:00

My view of life has changed completely
I don't even know when it happened
I noticed that there is no good in me
There never was, I just suppressed it perfectly

Now I don't have the strength to do so
Not anymore, I'm letting the evil go

I'm made up of bad thoughts, good deeds
Trying to sustain a normal life like most
Lately I want to see pain by any means
Letting sprout all the bad seeds

Now I see everyone around me as a foe
I don't care, I'm letting the evil go

SÖYLE BANA

2009-08-29T02:46:00.018+03:00

Dediğimi anlamamakta inat ediyorsun
Ama kabullendiğinde de çok geç olacak
Bunu sen de biliyorsun
Ama yine de diretiyorsun

Söyle bana
Benden ne istiyorsun?
Ruhum dışında

Zaman durmuyor, geçiyor
Ne kadar çabalarsam çabalayım
Senin hiç umurunda olmuyor
Ne de olsa olan bana oluyor

Söyle bana
Ne verebilirsin ki bana?
Sefalet ve acıdan başka

Benden değil, senden geldi esas şok
Geri dönüşsüz bir yola saptın
Çok geç kaldın artık, çok
Olanların unutulmasının imkanı yok

Söyle bana
Bir nedeni kaldı mı artık uğraşmamın?
Kendime işkencenin yanısıra

P.S.: No idea where Turkish and the story in the poem came from. The song I got stuck on and been listening to about an hour or so led me to write such a sad piece. Still don't know where Turkish came from though. O.o Anyway, here is a rough translation:

TELL ME

You persist on not understanding what I'm saying
But it will be too late when you accept everything
You know that as well
But you still keep on insisting

Tell me
What do you want from me?
Apart from my soul

Time won't stop, it's passing by
No matter how much I try
You never really care
After all, I'm the one going to waste

Tell me
What do you have to give me?
Other than pain and misery

The major shocker came from you, not me
You're past the point of no return
You're too late now, oh so late
What's happened can't be forgotten

Tell me
Are there any reasons left for me to keep on trying?
Except to torture myself

BAD

2009-08-22T16:29:00.004+03:00

I can't seem to fall asleep tonight
Have words going through my head
They were harsh, nevertheless right
Saying I'll always have an empty bed

I'm not mad, I just feel sad
Feels like I've never felt this bad

I feel I should stay indoors 24/7
Can't manage to be with the public
My personal hell is my heaven
I feel I deserve worse than I think

I'm not mad, I just feel sad
Fells like I've never felt this bad

It'll probably get worse though
It usually does

NOT KIDDING

2009-08-20T20:33:00.003+03:00

I realised my inspiration is dead
As I was lying thoughtfully on my bed
With the poetry book in front, pencil in hand
Staring away minutes as my eyes get filled with sand

It's way past my bed time, I should almost wake up
Birds outside greeting each other, going wussup?
And I'm still awake, thinking the minutes away
As I can't come up with anything to say

I used to write such great poetry
What the hell happened to me?
I can feel the poet in me dying
And no, I'm not kidding

Any ideas?

CELESTIAL DREAMS

2009-05-15T03:00:00.002+03:00

I'm deep inside the night with a smile on my face
My soul goes on a flight, getting out of my place
Floating with the clouds, shining with the stars
Leaving the crowd behind, breaking out the bars

My journey continues as the dawn breaks
The city underneath slowly awakes
But I'm already awake, having a daydream
I dream of a soul that doesn't fit the scheme

Time is passing by, but not my joy
Because my dreamworld is all mine to enjoy
Whatever I need is whenever there for me
Whomever I want is wherever here with me

In my dreamworld, the whole world is mine
Especially the one that makes it all divine
The one who gives me power to cross the line
More than any word could ever define
_______________________________
Wrote this together with my good friend Stefan. Turned out rather optimistic, but not surprised about the mood really; he has been there for me so much lately and no words can show how much I appreciate it. Sending my thanks from here. =)

FOOL

2009-04-05T04:48:00.003+03:00

You call me 'sweetie'
But only if you need me
Other than that, you wouldn't even see
Where or how I would be

Yet I still don't say 'no'
And try to give you more
I don't even know
Why I do it anymore

I'm a fool of my own habits
Getting only bits and pieces
This is what hope made of me
Hoping things will change maybe

But they never do

RECURRING NIGHTMARE

2009-04-05T04:45:00.002+03:00

Scared to walk down the street
Suspect every person I meet
Terrified as I turn around the corner
Don't feel safe any longer

You are in my eyes if not mind
Like a monster of whatever kind
Waiting for the right moment I'm trapped
To make your move and bring my end

You are my recurring nightmare
Always stepping out of nowhere
Stalking me when I least expect
Never giving me a chance to forget

I'M NOT

2009-04-05T04:40:00.004+03:00

It's gotten all too obvious by now
What things will come and how
And I gave up trying long ago
I can't break the pattern anyway
So I let myself go in the flow
Get up-survive-sleep-prepare for tomorrow
But this isn't living...
I'm dead on the inside
The pulse is there but not the heart
I'm completely lost in the tide

It's always the same thing day after day
Walking on the same roads, this and that way
And I couldn't take it anymore
Trying only got my hopes up
I could never get what I fought for
Now doing what I should've done before
But there is no joy in this
Everything feels meaningless
The breath is there, but I'm not alive
I'm here, but far away nevertheless

Life is out there, I'm not
I gotta change this

LIE TO ME

2009-04-05T04:30:00.003+03:00

Woke up with the truth lying ahead
Showing me what I could've never had
Just how much my efforts are in vain
Ready to point it out all over again

Things are simple, they don't get better
What I have to bear with forever
Why doesn't anyone bother lying to me?
Easing my pain for five minutes
Forgetting it is there

Day continued with real life all over the place
Never letting me have my place
Reminding me of what awaits me
Doomed to live on the same pace

Things are obvious, they are obnoxious
Of what's to come, no need to be curious
Why doesn't anyone bother lying to me?
To save me out of this
For a moment, don't be nauseous

It won't be alright
But the idea would be nice
Even for a second

USE ME

2009-04-05T04:27:00.004+03:00

It wouldn't matter if I spent all my time
Fighting trying to make you feel better
Wouldn't change a thing if I gave all I had
So I could be there for you now and whenever
I'd still be the same in your eyes
And I'd be telling myself the same lies
That you'd do the same, too
But you only use me
And that's what you'll ever do

I'VE FALLEN

2009-03-09T02:22:00.001+02:00

I've fallen for you all over again
I don't know for the which time
Though I don't think I'll ever stop giving in
Because this is where I belong
Whether I like it or not

Don't worry though
I like it

Possibilities

2009-03-08T00:00:00.005+02:00

Ok, not exactly a masterpiece, I know. :D But I love the symbology in it and it's kind of cute. =) Hope you'll like.

HAPPY ENDING

2009-03-04T14:46:00.004+02:00

I write stories, always aim for a good finish
Doesn't matter how, can be anything I wish
I'm writing a story about me now
Changing everything
But I will never be able to finish it
Because I don't know if I'll ever get a happy ending

All my hopes and dreams in front of me
In a pile, they may come true, or not maybe
Living a half written story
And what it'll ever be
Because no one can tell me, knowing
If I'll ever get my happy ending

Probably not though
But I'll keep believing

THIS IS ME

2009-02-25T15:59:00.004+02:00

This is me
What world shaped me to be
My experiences are a reflection of me
My fears, my happiness
Even my agony
What I am is what I have to show for
I won't change after all this time
Not anymore
What you see is what you get
You can very well walk away
If you don't like it

WORDS

2009-02-25T15:49:00.002+02:00

I'm a fool for words
When I don't hear them it hurts
May appear as a simple thing
But without them I die within

A little appreciation is all I want
Without them I get false doubt
Start believing in things not true
Get lost in my world of blue

BETTER THAN THIS

2009-02-25T15:33:00.003+02:00

I was born in the wrong universe
Where everything just gets worse
Struggling in a place I don't belong
As if upon me there is a curse

Doesn't matter where I am or who
It's never enough the good I do
I'm sitting alone in this corner
Crying I'll never have what's true

Push me through the closest black hole
There I might be able to feel warm
Away from everything that I hate
And maybe find what I long for

Or maybe just die trying
I don't care really
Anything is better than this

MADNESS DAYS

2009-02-06T04:34:00.001+02:00

Living the madness days
Trying different ways
To make a new life
Be happier on the inside

Living the madness days
A last struggle before it ends
Making up for what I missed
So I can go more blissed

Living the madness days
Or pretending to anyways
Trying to change what's lame
Which will always remain
The same

REAL

2009-02-06T04:27:00.000+02:00

My heart is racing so fast
Can't tell the current beat apart from the last
Suddenly a light appeared at the end of the tunnel
And I started running towards it fast

The one thing I musn't blow up now
Therefore I should make myself a vow
I will not let it slip away
For the moment I'll get to say wow

It feels like a dream
But it is more
So much more
It's real

NOTE TO SELF

2009-01-03T01:43:00.004+02:00

Everyone's life is a fucking fairytale
And I'm here where I'm always doomed to fail
All my attemps get lost without leaving any trail
Don't think there is need for any further detail

Note to self:
Remind me to kill you later

More and more pressure I feel as time goes by
Sometimes I suffocate, feels like I'm gonna die
But life would never settle for a tie
It must always win, so I live to cry

Note to self:
Remind me to kill you later

Then it'll be all better

ETERNITY

2009-01-01T21:01:00.002+02:00

It's all about the order of notes
High and low pitched words and quotes
Anyone can put them together alright
But you're the ones that do it right
And that makes my day a whole lot bright

It's all about the wave of tunes
Fluctuating melodies granted by muse
Uniting them to one is easy really
But you're the ones that do it accurately
And that makes me an awful lot happy

It's all about you and what you mean to me
You'll have a special place in my heart for eternity
______________________
A poem I wrote for this. I wanna thank my sweet Replica for this, because if she didn't push me into writing it, I probably could never do it. <3

RESERVED

2008-12-30T19:15:00.002+02:00

I climb a long way up
And fall for you all over again
All it takes is five minutes with you
And I'm again trapped in your blue

There is no turning back now
Most of my heart is reserved for you
Even if you don't allow

JUST A LITTLE BIT

2008-12-29T23:18:00.000+02:00

What would be different if I disappeared?
Would my absence ever have appeared?
Who would have called out my name
Hoping that I would respond to it?
Would I be missed
For even just a little bit?

No hand is there to reach out for me
No matter how much I cry out for help
As all my dreams turned to nightmares
I was left alone without a doubt
Do I make a difference
For even just a little bit?

NO MORE WORDS

2008-12-21T18:48:00.002+02:00

Awake at night here I lie
And I can't help but wonder why
How I ended up in this situation
And how I lost my intuition

Things got mixed up in a moment
Won't matter whether I'm here or absent
Words undoable has been said
My enthusiasm winded up dead

Because that's what you're good at
Making promises you never could've kept
Leaving me to my own misery
And pretending that I wasn't worthy

Go ahead, deny
I don't care
And I won't ask why
Because I know you too damn well
With a hypocrite I dwell
No more words left to tell

MY PLACE

2008-12-21T04:51:00.003+02:00

I've been here, I've been there
Been to almost everywhere
And I can't find my place
I don't belong anywhere

HIDE

2008-12-21T04:46:00.004+02:00

Distractions they do not allow
Can never forget it then and now
Not allowed to even mask the pain
Can not run away to self sustain

It's there no matter where I am
To follow me anywhere like spam
There is nowhere left to hide
All my attempts have been denied

My agony is to its full extent
It has become my regular torment
Living with it is now a part of me
Destroying my being is life's spree

OVERLAP

2008-12-05T14:00:00.003+02:00

I'm forced to walk this path alone till it's the end
That's the one rule of my life's law I can not bend
Nothing will change along the way, I can not pretend
Even though it was the one single thing I wish I had

Dreams and reality don't overlap sometimes..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2008-12-04T22:54:00.002+02:00

I wrote this one for you today
Enjoy this day in any way
Because this is your big day
Let nothing stand in your way

Happy Birthday!
___________
For my dear Replica.

SHOULD KNOW BETTER

2008-11-17T01:57:00.003+02:00

You're always keeping me hanging on
Playing with me as if I'm a toy
You destroy me, then expect me to go on
Leave me trapped in my personal decoy

I'm not mad at you
I should know better
But I never do

Breaking bad news to me indirectly
As if you are too afraid to face me
Just tell me if you don't want me
I'd at least appreciate your honesty

I'm not mad at you
I should know better
But I never do

BLOCKED

2008-11-10T02:26:00.003+02:00

A paper full of words in front of me
I can't seem to put them together orderly
But my system is still working
I'm one step away from resolving

I keep wandering around like a maniac
Trying to find the inspiration that I lack
Something else is blocking me to a degree
I can't find it while you're staring at me!

What are you looking at?
I may be the blocked kid
But make no mistake
I can kick ass even with it

PHOTON GIRLS

2008-11-08T21:15:00.004+02:00

Brighting up wherever you go
Bring me up when I'm feeling low
Warming up my left for dead soul
You are the photon girls!
I shall never let you go

Ever so full of brilliance energy
Some may not understand you maybe
But you're the ones that hold the key
You are the photon girls!
Don't let nothing stand in your way
______________________________
For my December girls. You know who you are. <3

HERE WITH ME

2008-11-05T01:19:00.002+02:00

Why do you have to go before days break?
I love you for god's sake
And I need you here with me
No matter what it would take

LETTING GO

2008-10-22T01:21:00.003+03:00

I pushed my luck far enough
Time for me to step back now
I can not handle all this stuff
As even you don't know how

My bluff wasn't a bluff after all
Found my senses in a closet
Between you and me, now there's a wall
And you're gonna have to live with it

I'm letting go now, wave for me
Not for you, not for anybody
For once in my life just for me
Because I'm gonna need my sanity
And I can't afford to lose it
Not for you, especially

GRIEF ARTIST

2008-10-11T05:42:00.003+03:00

I can see all the colors
But I always go for the grey
Taking down the variety to smaller
To rid of the meaning of the day

I photograph every moment of the sun

But always only when it's going down
To make sure it's dark when I'm done
So I can misplace the sea and drown

I'm a grief artist
I know how it hurts the most
So I adjust my pain to it
Only to take it all out on me

MOVE ON.. GO ON.. CARRY ON..

2008-10-07T02:03:00.005+03:00

Move on, go on, carry on
Nothing is happening around
There is no sobbing going on
It's just the wind that you hear
And the sound of sweet rain
Falling on the freshly mowed lawn
There is no one there sitting alone
It is just a random shadow
Caused by the greeting dawn
No, no, it's not tears you see
Nothing is going on here
There is no one there withdrawn
Insignificant for you to follow
It's just the walls full of echo
Reverberating of what's been here
But now that is gone
I know you'd still be indifferent
Even without these warnings
But just in case
Move on, go on, carry on
Nothing for you to see here
I'm not lying really
There truly isn't anything
Anything left of me
So, keep living on

MY STAR

2008-10-05T04:24:00.004+03:00

The sun just slowly went down
Darkness descended all over the town
The stars appeared, saluting
But the one that matters is missing

The sun rises up again in the morning
Revealing everything that's been but unseen
The stars are fading, they say goodbye
But I can't see the one that's ruling my sky

I miss my star
You are not here right now
But I'm always here for you
No matter where you are
_____________
<3

DULL POET

2008-10-02T14:59:00.003+03:00

Haven't written down anything in days
Accept everything the way it comes and stays
Don't make an effort to let things out
And when I do, things that come out suck

I'm a dull poet
None of the things I write fit

Had this pencil in my hand for almost an hour
Encouraging myself to stop being so sour
But nothing helps me with my bad poetry
Especially myself can't save me from this misery

I'm a dull poet
That's all there is to it

EXPECTATIONS

2008-09-22T02:04:00.005+03:00

Don't get my hopes up
Let me fly a bit low
I'm tired of crashing
On the hard ground below

When I get close to a dream
Let the idea sink in
Because anything can happen
I don't want to be disappointed again
_______________________

It's not a new one, started writing it at the beginning of August but only now managed to finish it. Enjoy.

Two-Laned Road

2008-09-22T01:45:00.008+03:00

My life is like a two-laned road from nowhere and to nowhere. The right lane consists of my dreams, it's the place I really belong to. But nothing there truly exists. And despite this, it's the one that takes me forward. The left one is the life I try to sustain, it's made up of things that are real alright, but they only cause my regression and take me away from everything that I stand for. Between those lanes, stands a high wall. I can make it through it, but I'm either on the right, or I'm on the left. I either get lost in a world that I created only of my very own hopes and dreams that I can only reach out to but can never have, or I go back to reality on the left side of the road, where I feel ever so lonely and can only have everything that doesn't mean anything to me. My purpose along the way was always to find a way to unite those lanes into one. One lane that moves only forward and consists of everything that I dreamed of and that everything I can get to have. That wall had to go down, it's been always about taking that wall down. I've been searching for a weak spot on that wall my whole life.. But finally, at the end, I realized something.. There isn't a road with two lanes that has a wall between them to have weak spots on so that I can take it down in real life. There is only time and that has been against us from the very beginning, never stopping to pass by, taking us to the inevitable, whether we like it or not.
___________________________
It's just me babbling along, thought "Why let it go to waste, I'll just put it up!". I have a weird way of seeing life, I know, you don't have to tell me. :P Enjoy.

GONE & MISSING

2008-09-16T19:33:00.004+03:00

I lost a good poem last night
Because I was too lazy to get up
Now I'll forever wonder what
It was that slipped my mind
And will always remain gone

I woke up curious this morning
Tried to remember what I was thinking
When I was inspired but wasn't writing
I'll never recollect it again I believe
And it will always remain missing
_________________________
Based on a true story. xD

(Plus.. My 100th poem up here!!!! *happy*)

A DYING FLAME

2008-09-11T18:13:00.007+03:00

Don't let the flame of our love die

That's the only thing keeping us alive
I don't wanna lose what we became
And left only with a dying flame

I thought the verse fit in with the picture, so I thought I post them at the same time. You know, two birds with one stone. ^^ Enjoy.

MY HILL OF SOLITUDE

2008-09-07T03:00:00.009+03:00

As no one is there to hear me
Where the wind blows in the face
And the leaves rustle gently
I'm upon my hill of solitude
When nothing goes the way it should

When no one else is there to see me
Where I lay on the sere leaves
And the night comes down quietly
I'm upon my hill of solitude
When I feel I'm misunderstood

Don't you worry about me
I may never come down again
But I'll always feel happy
Upon my hill of solitude

SQUARE ONE

2008-09-05T01:50:00.003+03:00

Three days until I die again
To go through the same old pain
To cry with the fall's grey rain
And to be reminded of, once again
That I'm stuck
With the unbreakable chain

Two days until I die again
As my dreams go down the drain
To end up walking on the same lane
And to see that, once again
There really is nothing
From life that I can gain

One day until I die again
To spend another year in vain
Integrating into one single decayed grain
Saying my last amen
Though there really isn't anything
That I actually believe in

I have no days left
Back to square one again

GUILTY

2008-08-28T16:52:00.005+03:00

Had my execution the day I was born
Got blamed for everything that's been torn
Ruined tomorrow while yesterday is yet unknown
Messed up the world while I'm alone
Why am I so guilty to the bone?

Destined to misery before I could speak
Without having strength accused of being weak
Before I opened my eyes things were bleak
Left without an actual road to seek
Why am I so guilty in a way so unique?

I just woke up
Time for my prosecution again

DISABLED

2008-08-28T00:07:00.004+03:00

I'm suffocating
Stuck in a pile of words
That can't seem to come out
And dragging me down with them

I can't see ahead
Sight blocked with a question
That I can't find an answer for
Blinding me to where I'm lead

I can't hear a voice
Ears plugged to a melody
That has no known notes
Leaving without a choice..

I'm disabled from life
Please try again later

YOU'RE BACK

2008-08-27T17:20:00.004+03:00

It's been too long of a time
Since I've been missing a part of me
I had my soul mate far away
Or rather, taken away from me
Consequencing what today brought
And wondering what tomorrow may
But the sun has come up again
And I have a smile on me
Now that you are back!!
__________________________

This one is also for Bekki. Missed you so much sweetheart, great to have you back. <3

YESTERDAY

2008-08-24T15:04:00.003+03:00

I'm living on yesterday
Hoping to make the bad thoughts go away
Putting the disappointments on delay
Hoping it'll make a difference for me

I'm living on yesterday
Dreaming of another way
To change the direction of things
And put an end to my misery

I'm living on yesterday
It's long gone in the past maybe
But it's what that sustains me
Hoping the things can be the same one day

Yesterday, isn't out of me
On the contrary
It will always haunt me

NOW IS THE 'WHEN'

2008-08-20T13:44:00.003+03:00

Another summer has come to its end
It's about time I stop to pretend
And make a stand
Before the darkness
Becomes my permanent friend

The sun goes down once again
About time I step away from the rain
And understand it's then
When it's time to turn my life around
And see now is the 'when'

WRITER'S BLOCK

2008-08-15T22:44:00.005+03:00

Writer's block
It's like a keyless lock
You know the idea's in there
You just can't get it out

Writer's block
The words are there to mock
You can give your all
And still run out of luck

Writer's block
Thoughts are hiding under a rock
You can never know which one
And that's where you go...

Oh fuck..

Boo

2008-08-05T09:29:00.002+03:00

Marko Saaresto of Poets of the Fall

Phew.. It took me HOURS to draw this. But it was worth it I guess, it turned out to look better than I ever expected possible. I still have a lot to learn about generally drawing things though and this drawing is not that good, I hope Marko doesn't sue me for this, hahaha! xD The original is here. I've never drawn a guy before, so don't be too brutal on the comments.

BEST FRIEND

2008-08-02T07:31:00.004+03:00

I am a mistake
And I easily break
But I am not fake
I'm the best friend
You'll ever make
__________________
Kinda short and egotistical, I know. But I rate pretty high on my claim. :P And been kinda feeling left out these days.. :/ So, let this be a message!

Take Me Away

2008-08-02T07:27:00.005+03:00

Drew this just a few hours ago. It ain't much, hell, I didn't even bother with the details, but what the heck. I call it "Take Me Away", because it kinda represents how I want to get the hell out of here. xD Enjoy.

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

2008-07-21T05:33:00.005+03:00

Left alone inside the night with guilt and fear
Yet I can't even seem to spare a single tear
Everyone feels so distant though they're right here
I'm having one of those days again
Don't come near

So late at night yet I can not sleep
The pain I feel right now is so deep
Life gives me promises it can't keep
I'm having one of those days again
I feel like a creep

I close my eyes and start to dream away
To places I will never find my way
I still have a lot of debt to pay
I'm having one of those days again
I wander astray

Things could be so different right now
I wouldn't be questioning the why and how
But destroying me is pretty much life's vow
I'm having one of those days again
And I'll just say wow...

I HAD A DREAM

2008-07-18T06:18:00.003+03:00

I had a dream last night
My dreams were coming true
Moving onto pink from blue
Happiness more than I ever knew

I had a dream last night
Everything was in a six-pack
I was on the right track
My real self had come back

I had a dream last night
Things were just alright
I was happy, my future was bright
I had what was my right

Then I woke up...

BURNT WIRES

2008-07-18T05:45:00.003+03:00

I got all my wires burnt
Got disconnected from the real world
Forgot everything I've learnt
To make the same mistakes again

I got all my wires burnt
Couldn't understand anything I've heard
To forget just how much it hurt
And live everything all over again

I got all my wires burnt
Now everything feels absurd
Left in the middle without a word
Never to be the same again

WHO ARE YOU?

2008-07-05T00:42:00.003+03:00

Who are you to tell me who I am?
As even I don't know where I stand
As if I'm taking the ultimate exam
About a subject I don't even understand

Who are you to tell me who I am?
Even as I'm confused as hell
It's like the ultimate race in my life began
And where I must go, I can't even tell

NO DIFFERENCE

2008-07-04T00:10:00.003+03:00

I just broke my life
Now I can't find a way to fix it
No matter what it is that I plan
Somehow I manage to jinx it
This could all be a bad dream though
I don't know, I always mix it
No difference, life sucks either way

YOUR WAY

2008-07-03T06:42:00.005+03:00

You never intended to let me go
Then why didn't you say so?
Why did you let my hopes go on a flow?

You always knew it wasn't gonna work
Then why did you wait till now?
After I got on the cloud nine

You knew this was gonna happen
Why did you stay quiet anyway?
You wrecked a world today

You saw how joyous I grew
Why didn't you say something at the beginning?
No, wait...! I forgot!
This is your way
And tearing my world apart
It's your thing...
Sorry for not remembering

UNTITLED

2008-07-02T04:33:00.008+03:00

I could have been very happy right now
But universe chose to make me miserable
By giving me my share of disappointments too much
Showing me ending up with tears is inevitable

I could have been laughing right now
To that same old joke that gets me every time
But how upsetting news come in in a row
It's funny really, I feel left without a dime

I could have been dreaming right now
But everything going on took my sleep away
I will not force myself to, I've had enough
I don't wanna cry myself to sleep anyway

I could have had a smile on my face right now
Thinking of all the great things that will happen
But they got crashed and burned again, as usual
Once again I've been shown that I can never win

For thinking things can change
I have only myself to blame
_________________________________________

The Story of My Life... First the Finland thing, now this... The Sweden trip is off too, people. After looking up all the necessities for getting a visa, I realized that all the expenses that I will have to make, even without the plane ticket, is just too much for us and we can't afford it. It was so stupid of me to think that I can actually do it, go to Sverige. Things are awful, but the thing that hurt me the most is that I managed to disappoint Beccy big time about this. She was looking forward to this as hell, I know. As if it wasn't enough fooling myself, I got her hopes sky high too. It wouldn't be enough no matter how much sorry I got. Dammit. Feels like all I do these days is disappoint everyone. My family, my friends... Especially myself. I mean, what happened? Things were going great... Everything was in order and then... boom. I can only have myself to blame I guess. What was I thinking? It was too good to be true from the beginning. My sadness, my own fault. My own problem to deal with. But still... dammit.

NO MATTER

2008-07-01T06:10:00.004+03:00

No matter how hard I'll try to get away
I'll be condemned to tread this ground

No matter how much I want out
I'll be forced to stick around

No matter how much I dream
I'll be still here, singing the same old song

No matter how much I push myself
I will never be able to feel strong

No matter how fast I run
There is no way out, roads are too long

No matter how much I believe
Everything I stand for will keep turning up wrong

No matter how much I don't feel like it
This is where I belong

No matter how much I need it
No one is here to mourn along

It just occurs to me
Things will never change
No matter what

WHAT IS IT ABOUT LIFE?

2008-07-01T04:54:00.004+03:00

What is it about life?
That claims to give you everything
And leaving you with nothing
Is it just random reality
Or selection of things worthy

What is it about life?
That takes your hopes up sky high
And then leaving you with a sigh
Is it merely personal hate
Or avoidance of things we'll later regret

What is it about life?
First reflects the mirror inside of you
Only to smash it later...
And wound you with its pieces too
Is it a cruel irony?
Or just life maybe...

Penguin Just Got Stabbed

2008-06-29T03:21:00.006+03:00

OK, I don't usually draw things this creepy, but hell, I was bored. xD I'm sure what's in the middle of it is a clock, but the rest, well... it's just frenzy. I think what my subconscious was trying to say, is this: Time is flowing by, nothing you can do about that, don't go crazy over it. Lose it as you are living for the moment! Which is one of my mottoes. A strange way to say that, I know, but what the hell. Be easy on the critics. :P

EDIT: I normally called this picture "The Frenetic Clock" but after Ryan's killingly (is that even a real word?) funny and accurate comment on it, I think it should be this one. :D It justifies the ridiculousness of the picture WAY better anyway. xD xD Enjoy.

Advices on Life III

2008-06-28T23:24:00.000+03:00

Share Your Love: If you truly pursue this purpose, all the others will follow naturally! Love everyone, but start with those closest to you.
Give to Others: We are here to serve others, and not live wholly for ourselves. Make a difference in the world.
Increase in Light: Our spirits and bodies can literally flow with light. Increase your light bearing capacity by following the truth you know.
Learn Wisdom: Read the best books and learn all you can. Pursue wisdom not as an end it itself, but to better serve others with your increased knowledge and talents.
Accept Yourself: Flow with who you are. Your birth, parents, and country all have a reason. Accept your purpose and your inclinations. Feel and flow with your emotions.
Enjoy the Mystery: Wonder at the beauty of life. Don't try to figure everything out intellectually. Accept the world as a child does.
Create Your Reality: In this sphere, you can choose what you do. Be bold and decide what you really want. Move toward your dreams with vision and power!
Follow the Spirit: Trust that inner voice that leads and prompts you. As you listen, you will gain greater inspiration in all daily activities.
Revel in the Present: Find joy and engagement in every activity. Recognize your point of power in present action! Come to know the illusion of time.
Experience Joy: The ultimate purpose of life is happiness, but happiness comes easier when pursued indirectly.

You must be real tired of these things, but what can I say? I love this type of crap. :D Besides, they are covering for me while I'm fighting writer's block, lol. But seriously, these kind of advices can really help people feel better about themselves, they help with me anyway. Enjoy.

The Suicidal Decembers

2008-06-25T03:52:00.000+03:00

Here, we are the Decembers having a bad day... Thanks to Beccy for the idea and Sil for passing it on to me.

INFO: If you don't know about the December Family Concept yet; keep reading... It all starts with my very favorite music band Poets of the Fall. Me and two of my closest friends, Beccy and Sil (whom I got together with at the band's official forum in the first place), realised that all three of us and the vocalist of the band, Marko Saaresto, were all born in December, different days and different years, but the same month. That's how, by this brilliant idea of Sil's, we became the Decembers. And the answer to your question, is NO, we don't allow anyone else into our family. Sorry, but no.

No More Separate Drawing

2008-06-25T03:28:00.005+03:00

I hereby announce that there won't be a "Bad Seed Drawing" anymore, a separate one at least. Because I figured, all my readers stop by here and forget about that place, even I do time to time. *embarrassed laugh* So, I thought I move all my previous drawings and publish the future ones here. But because unfortunately we can't move posts between blogs at Blogger, I decided to republish the previous drawings with their original properties and keep the other blog, for the sake of the feedback I got from you beautiful people. But the blog will be closed for new comments, you can leave new comments on this blog. The future drawings will appear here from now on, also. Thanks for the time!

HAPPY ENDING

2008-06-23T02:54:00.002+03:00

Things were going on the right track
Then opportunities started to go bad
And left me here only with crashing
What happened to my happy ending?

It's feeling like a cruel joke really
Coming this far just to hear a "maybe"
Left here with my hopes burning
What happened to my happy ending?

The Kindler

2008-06-05T01:01:00.000+03:00

Here is a lady that can create fire!!! I love fire!! Don't you?

I've had an image of a woman that can set herself on fire in my head for years now, and I finally managed to draw this, we can consider it a just a beta version I guess. No guarantees on a better incoming one though. Enjoy.

MY HEALERS

2008-06-04T13:50:00.001+03:00

As I've lost track of life's pace
You manage to put a smile on my face
As you play, as you sing
It gives meaning to everything

When the darkness descends on me
You remind me that it's all worthy
As you play, as you sing
It just lights up everything

Sometimes the tears start to flow by
That is when you cheer me up sky high!
As you play, as you sing
It washes away everything

Then there is just one thing
The melody that lives within
The real purpose of being
As you play, as you sing

Thanks for playing and singing
I love you Poets of the Fall
Never stop being...
_________________________
Do I have to explain? =D

BREAK THIS ROUTINE

2008-05-27T12:53:00.004+03:00

I don't want to get up in the morning
Because nothing is changing
It's insignifying everything
For once in my life
I want to break this routine

I don't want to see the sun glowing
Feeling things I'm used to feeling
It's just decreasing the meaning
For having to feel safe
I want to break this routine

I don't want to hear the clock ticking
Sleepless, staring at the ceiling
It undoes the tears I'm shedding
Ever to feel happy again
I want to break this routine

TRUE

2008-05-26T00:18:00.002+03:00

After all that's said and done
We still walk beside each other towards the sun
Because no matter what's happened in the history
You're true and that's enough for me

A lot of tears shed in the past
Things were bleak and hope wouldn't last
But we'll overcome these, so don't worry
You're true and that's enough for me

At first things were looking really bad
But on somethings, you can't put a price tag
And you're too important to give up on so easily
You're true and that's enough for me
______________________________
This one is also for Bekki.

INSOMNIAC

2008-05-19T16:41:00.006+03:00

As every one's gone to their dreamland
I'm still here, fighting the sandman
Things don't make much sense at this hour
Though it's the time everything gets so clear and sour
Nothing changes in the way things go on
As I'm about to cry out that I'm done

It's 3 AM, I'm still awake
Someone put me to sleep for God's sake

The flickering lights outside the building
Make believe it's a very simple thing
But as this keeps going on like this
Unknown, the chaos behind the darkness remains
The system is broken in it's core
As I'm about to scream I can't take it anymore

It's 4 AM, I'm still awake
Someone put me to sleep for God's sake

I can start hearing the early woken cars
As I begin to tear up my old scars
What used to be enough
Is not enough anymore
The thought that kept me going
Left me here to drown in my sorrow

It's 5 AM, I'm still awake
Someone put me to sleep for God's sake

As the sun starts to show its glory
I keep counting sheep as if in a story
The birds start cheering, I'll need the ear plugs
Though it's the life itself that's what really bugs
What used to help me sleep at night
It's gone, as I personally welcome the light

It's 6 AM, I'm still awake
Someone put me to sleep for God's sake

USED TO IT

2008-05-14T18:20:00.004+03:00

Deny me
By not knowing of my existence
Reject me
By not hearing my sentences
I'm used to it anyway

Hurt me
By not knowing I love you
Undo me
By not responding to one thing that's true
I'm used to it anyway

NEVER LEAVE

2008-05-11T00:57:00.002+03:00

I look like I'm trying to escape
But it's a hollow promise to make
All the locked doors I run into
Are just a plot against myself about you

All the unlocked doors I come against
I avoid them too, they go to waste
This can go on til forever
I look like I'm running, but never

Because this is where I belong to
Outside is unfamiliar, dark, cold and blue
I need to be in here to be able to breathe
This is the one place I could never leave

ENOUGH

2008-05-11T00:56:00.001+03:00

I don't want to pump me full of drugs
I'm already high on life
It fucks up my system enough

DOWN (ON THE GROUND)

2008-04-24T20:34:00.003+03:00

I give up on my life
Nothing I can do
To save it at this point

I see all go away
Nothing to say
But a goodbye that's bid

My past follows me
No matter where I go
Never leaves me
Affecting my future
Please
Save me, save me
I can't live with this burden anymore

I can not make it up to heaven
With the burden of hell on my shoulder
I can not make my past go away
Or stop it from defecting my future

I can not make it up to heaven
With the demon of hell on my shoulder
I can not make my past go away
Or stop it from destroying my future

My future...
It's gone now

I'm losing my mind
I'm going down
Down, on the ground

I see all go down
As I become undone
Undone

My past follows me
No matter where I go
Never leaves me
Affecting my future
Please
Save me, save me
I can't live with myself anymore

I can not make it up to heaven
With the burden of hell on my shoulder
I can not make my past go away
Or stop it from defecting my future

I can not make it up to heaven
With the demon of hell on my shoulder
I can not make my past go away
Or stop it from destroying my future

I can't live with myself
I can't look at myself in the mirror
I am undone
Down
On the ground

MY OLD WOUND

2008-04-11T20:00:00.004+03:00

The rivers won't flow no more
Only my tears
I'm not breathing anymore
Only my fears
I stop and face my worst nightmare
Then I'm all ears
Waiting for a sign from my salvation
But there is no absolution
Just disintegration
And regression
To my old wound

PERSONAL PLANET

2008-04-11T19:53:00.003+03:00

I want to live on my own personal planet
Let someone in if I feel like it
This planet won't have any ingrates
And no dream of mine disintegrates
No fear, no worries, no responsibilities
And no pain
Just pure nothing
I'll be happy on my own personal planet
But that's not gonna happen...
Is it...?

THERE FOR YOU

2008-04-02T02:43:00.005+03:00

When you are laughing
I'll be pleased with your joy
When you are crying
I'll be there to comfort you
If I ever find you falling
I will do any means
And I will catch you
Because you'd do the same with me
You were there for me
And I'll be too

When you are running
I'll run after to stop you
You get stuck on an old pain
Be there to help you move on
If you get lost in this world
I shall seek you, find you
And put your feet on the ground
Because you'd do the same with me
You were there for me
And I'll be too
___________________________
This one's for Bekki.

NO ALTERNATIVE

2008-03-28T17:38:00.003+02:00

It just never changes
Always with the same things
Once again took the same exit
I just can't abandon this path
No matter how hard I try
Because this is how I get my wings
And suppress the wrath
The absolute truth I can't deny

And I have no alternative
What I get is what you give
So, I'll have to settle with that

It just never changes
Always with the same things
Ended up thinking about your love again
I just can't forget about it
No matter how hard I try
Because it's the blood flowing down the vein
The only candle that is lit
And one thing in the world I can't buy

And I have no alternative
What I get is what you give
So, I'll have to settle with that

It just never changes
Always with the same things
Singing the same old song
Just can't turn off the repeat button
No matter how hard I try
Because it keeps me strong
And closer to my personal heaven
One thing that will never die

And I have no alternative
What I get is what you give
So, I'll have to settle with that

FAREWELL

2008-03-23T01:03:00.004+02:00

Farewell life!
I'm setting you free!
Following you around to everywhere
Was just too much for me
I prefer to go my own way now
The darker and sadder one
That will be my new path now
So, farewell!
And see you at the end
______________________

Why always go where life takes you?

I'm going my own way from now on! :D

I STOP

2008-03-21T02:55:00.005+02:00

I've been on this path for so long
The enthusiasm I had is long gone
This wake just broke me down
I realise how much weaker I've grown
So today on this road to nowhere
I stop walking

I had so much to believe in in the past
It never occurred to me it wouldn't last
I stood up to everything negative said and done
But now it's not enough, I'm not that strong
So today in this conversation to nowhere
I stop talking

I embraced everything that made me me
The full pack of love, hate, pain and sympathy
But today nothing feels right to me
At least not the way it used to be
So today everything that I'm made up of
I stop believing

By letting the old me go away
I want to accomplish this today
Starting over at everything I failed
And leading them to a better end
Just to ease the pain and convince myself
That I can stop crying

TOO RECKLESS

2008-03-16T00:51:00.002+02:00

I have come to a point in this life
That nothing I do or see feels right
Nothing left that I can hold on tight
So easy to go without a fight
But don’t let go of that smile
Me and my being may be hostiles
But I’m too reckless to commit suicide
So I’ll be here for a while

Everything I hear around bugs me
People's believes and their philosophy
I don't care what they believe in really
It's just the way they point them out to me
But don't let go of that smile
I may want to kick their asses real hard
But I'm too reckless to respond
So I'll be here for a while

The attitude I get is just sickening
The hate I feel inside is just amazing
I have already stopped caring
Now it's time to do something daring
But don't let go of that smile
I may hate being here right now
But I'm too reckless to say goodbye
So I'll be here for a while

The salvation comes closer to me
I can feel it as if it's right above me
Where I can leave everything behind
Without even being sorry
But don't let go of that smile
I may be dying to get out of here
But I'm too reckless to reach out
So I'll be here for a while

Don't you worry about me
I'm the one that will be
Standing by your side
Because I'm too reckless to leave
At least for a while

WON'T SAY ANYTHING

2008-03-14T17:54:00.000+02:00

I have so much piled up in me
Eagerly waiting for an enormous blast
To drop the mask I wear for eternity
But I won't say anything

I feel everything is mixed up in a solution
Anger, hurt and all of the disappointments
Want them to know it's not a period of transition
But I won't say anything

What if everything I say will come out wrong?
Rather than opening up who I really am...
I want to take this chance at fixing myself
But I won't say anything

As I kill myself inside very slowly
I want them to think I'm doing alright
To avoid worries and to preserve my invisibility
I won't say anything

WHAT THE HELL

2008-03-14T17:40:00.000+02:00

I can't believe I've done it again
Rattled the cages at the silliest time
To cave everything in
And blur things that made sense to me
I ask myself "What the hell?"

Like as if it wasn't enough
Burning the candle at both ends
I watched as my dreams too get haunted
Just can't learn these ain't fun stuff
I ask myself "What the hell?"

My Blood Rose

2008-03-13T02:31:00.001+02:00

I spent some time changing the picture a bit on PhotoShop. I actually drew it by hand, but it looks way better this way. Hope you like it.

SAVE YOU

2008-03-13T00:09:00.003+02:00

I want to save you
From all of your nightmares
It hurts to see you suffer

I want to save you
Release you from the haunting of your ghosts
Seeing you hurt kills me the most

I know you can't save me
But I need to save you
Saving you will save me

So please let me save you

Touché

2008-03-12T18:42:00.002+02:00

I think I've ruined my life
By thinking of you all the time
But then I go ahead and think
How much of a life can it be
If the one you love isn't in it?

ON A LONG WALK

2008-03-11T15:09:00.001+02:00

I've got nothing this morning
Nothing to do, nothing to say
I just walk in a great silence
Hoping the wind to take me away

The sun has just come up
I feel the chilly breeze on my cheeks
Taking the tears away from me
Knowing no one will understand how it feels

As being the one that's stuck
In the middle now
I'm on a long walk

I DON'T WANT TO

2008-03-09T04:53:00.001+02:00

I don't want to be
The one that steps aside
Leaves deeds to other hands
To avoid the incoming tide
The one that no one knows about

I don't want to wait
For the chances to come to me
As others flow right past me
Being too scared to reach out
Rather than to seek them out

I want to do things
Without having doubts
And be the one that looks back
And feels nothing
But proud

I don't want to turn out
To be the one that's forgotten
Because I was left out
Of pure fear and timidity
And end up being vain and rotten

I don't ever want to be
And I won't be...

MISERY

2008-02-20T02:23:00.001+02:00

The snow falls down
Covers all over the city
But it can't cover up my pain
The sadness I feel inside me

It is raining outside
Washing away all the dirt
But it doesn't take everything away
It can't undo how I'm hurt

The sun's coming out
Lights everything around
But it can't show my agony
In this darkness, how I drown

I WILL NOT CRY

2008-02-09T03:02:00.000+02:00

I will not cry
If I can't make it
Because I know that I tried

I will not cry
If I get rejected
Because I'm not the best

I will not cry
If I come back empty-handed
There will be other things in my life

I will not cry
I know I'll brake this vow
If I'm left out in the middle
Please don't leave me behind
Then I can promise
I will not cry

I'M AFRAID

2008-02-07T03:17:00.000+02:00

I'm afraid
Of the hesitations I'm having
What I'll miss if I can't get passed them
Afraid of maybe being sorry forever
If I can't build up enough courage
To do something
But I'm also afraid
Of going ahead and doing
What I wanted to do for a long time
But at the end
Just failing
And regreting ever having wanting
I'm afraid
Of being this weak
Not strong enough for holding on
Bearing a big difference
And not being sure I'll survive
I'm afraid of myself
I'm afraid

NOTHING SPECIAL

2008-02-03T15:32:00.000+02:00

Nothing special
Just here to tell that I'm going
And not coming back
At least until the dawn
When you understand what you lack

Nothing special
Just here to express my hate
And how I loathe
To show what you take
And just how much you've sunk low

Nothing special
Just here to show my broken heart
And how you broke it
Took all the self-esteem I've got
Without even feeling sorry for it

Nothing special
I've always felt these for you
It's sad but you know it's true
This is what you've made of me
My agony
And how I can never stop hating you
Just wanted to tell you these
And nothing special

PERFECTION

2008-01-29T02:03:00.000+02:00

I used to believe in perfection
In the ways things are done
Keeping self strong
Alarmed and protected
From everything around
Feeling of never being wrong
Drifting away with life
And taking everything along
Without forgetting anything
Getting rid of negativity
And feeling absolutely happy
Feeling the freedom of being
Not worrying for anything again
But nothing turns out that way
I still believe in perfection
In being perfectly flawed
Making mistakes time to time
Getting excited over things
And just being who you are
Now that's perfection

SLIPPING AWAY

2008-01-22T01:29:00.000+02:00

Another day faded away
And took my dreams with it
Erased my entire life
And took my future with it

No one can see me slipping away
They are too busy to see it
Then they deserve to lose me
And forever live with it

I think this is the final day
From now on I won't fight it
Give in to all of my fears
And hope to vanish with it

DREAMER

2008-01-22T01:23:00.000+02:00

When did I become such a dreamer?
Can't go five minutes in real life

When did I become such a dreamer?
To abandon everything I had by my side

When did I become such a dreamer?
Conservative to everything I see around

Life wasn't fair on me
Took everything though I tried so hard
But I had my dreams to carry me through
When life showed me what it's true colors are

Is that why I became such a dreamer?
That I am now
And forever will be

CRAZY

2008-01-19T22:50:00.000+02:00

The days are too long
And I'm not strong
Not enough to live through
Another day without you
Please give me strength
Power to move on
Because I can't take it
This sadness I'm feeling
It just makes me sick
And leaves me powerless
In a world of darkness
And pure hopelessness
Imagining is not enough
Not anymore
It doesn't carry me through
I just get more sucked in
In a world of blue
I can't breath
I'm choking on being without you
And it kills me to know
That it's something I gotta get used to
Because you'll never be here
And I'll be forever without you
No one will know
That I'm going crazy
All on my own...