Bad Seed

IN MY BLOOD

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 01:26:00 +0000

You've worn me down, I give up now
You got to me, don't even know how
Your attacks were random, but precise
It doesn't matter the amount of advice

You're in my blood and there is nothing I can do
I don't have the antibody to fight you

Another impact and I go down
Nothing I can do now, you've won
I surrender to you, it's already over
Now you'll be a part of me forever

You're in my blood and there is nothing I can do
I don't have the antibody to fight you

SLEEP

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:37:00 +0000

I want to fall asleep here tonight
Amongst the countless lost souls
Ones that have lost the big fight
Having given up on all their goals

I want to go to sleep here tonight
Where the night will last forever
As things have gone black and white
Since we can never be together

I want to sleep here tonight
And never wake up

IT AIN'T

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 22:58:00 +0000

Outdid myself today, lost all sense
Some will hate and some will say it's dense
But I found the line now
And I'm jumping over the fence
It ain't suicide if it's self-defense

I'm all done now, made my amends
Had enough of you all, no offense
And I can't take it
It's gotten all too tense
It ain't suicide if it's self-defense

YOUR SMILE

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 03:26:00 +0000

Got my book here and pen in my hand
I can't write and I know why, I can't pretend
I know I've been thinking for a while
Got stuck again thinking about your smile

Time is passing by and I can't fall asleep
Though I'm tired and it's something I need
Because I've been thinking for a while
Got insomniac again thinking about your smile

Got my teddy here and I'm holding it tight
I know exactly why and I can't fight
Again I've been thinking for a while
Got lost again thinking about your smile

IN THE BLUE

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:18:00 +0000

You're mad at me for not standing beside you
Because I'm simply just too miserable to
If you have your problems, well, I have mine, too
So give me a break, I'm already lost in the blue

SLOWLY

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:14:00 +0000

Holding my breath in the night
Preparing myself for the fight
That I'll have to face the next day
Plus every other day

It got so much harder somehow
Thinking to cope, I don't know how
It'll like something died inside of me
And malfunctioned the rest of me

Now I don't know what to do
Don't know who I could turn to
I'm running out of options it seems like
But it doesn't work like the motto of Nike

But slowly...
I'm getting there slowly...

EVIL

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 15:49:00 +0000

My view of life has changed completely
I don't even know when it happened
I noticed that there is no good in me
There never was, I just suppressed it perfectly

Now I don't have the strength to do so
Not anymore, I'm letting the evil go

I'm made up of bad thoughts, good deeds
Trying to sustain a normal life like most
Lately I want to see pain by any means
Letting sprout all the bad seeds

Now I see everyone around me as a foe
I don't care, I'm letting the evil go

SÖYLE BANA

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 23:46:00 +0000

Dediğimi anlamamakta inat ediyorsun
Ama kabullendiğinde de çok geç olacak
Bunu sen de biliyorsun
Ama yine de diretiyorsun

Söyle bana
Benden ne istiyorsun?
Ruhum dışında

Zaman durmuyor, geçiyor
Ne kadar çabalarsam çabalayım
Senin hiç umurunda olmuyor
Ne de olsa olan bana oluyor

Söyle bana
Ne verebilirsin ki bana?
Sefalet ve acıdan başka

Benden değil, senden geldi esas şok
Geri dönüşsüz bir yola saptın
Çok geç kaldın artık, çok
Olanların unutulmasının imkanı yok

Söyle bana
Bir nedeni kaldı mı artık uğraşmamın?
Kendime işkencenin yanısıra

P.S.: No idea where Turkish and the story in the poem came from. The song I got stuck on and been listening to about an hour or so led me to write such a sad piece. Still don't know where Turkish came from though. O.o Anyway, here is a rough translation:

TELL ME

You persist on not understanding what I'm saying
But it will be too late when you accept everything
You know that as well
But you still keep on insisting

Tell me
What do you want from me?
Apart from my soul

Time won't stop, it's passing by
No matter how much I try
You never really care
After all, I'm the one going to waste

Tell me
What do you have to give me?
Other than pain and misery

The major shocker came from you, not me
You're past the point of no return
You're too late now, oh so late
What's happened can't be forgotten

Tell me
Are there any reasons left for me to keep on trying?
Except to torture myself

BAD

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 13:29:00 +0000

I can't seem to fall asleep tonight
Have words going through my head
They were harsh, nevertheless right
Saying I'll always have an empty bed

I'm not mad, I just feel sad
Feels like I've never felt this bad

I feel I should stay indoors 24/7
Can't manage to be with the public
My personal hell is my heaven
I feel I deserve worse than I think

I'm not mad, I just feel sad
Fells like I've never felt this bad

It'll probably get worse though
It usually does

NOT KIDDING

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 17:33:00 +0000

I realised my inspiration is dead
As I was lying thoughtfully on my bed
With the poetry book in front, pencil in hand
Staring away minutes as my eyes get filled with sand

It's way past my bed time, I should almost wake up
Birds outside greeting each other, going wussup?
And I'm still awake, thinking the minutes away
As I can't come up with anything to say

I used to write such great poetry
What the hell happened to me?
I can feel the poet in me dying
And no, I'm not kidding

Any ideas?

BE PROUD

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 00:13:00 +0000

Thank you for the depression
Didn't have that for a while
Now I can finally catch up

Thank you for the desperation
It was just the thing I needed
Now finally the smiling can stop

You lifted me up
Then dropped me even lower
Be proud

CENTRIFUGAL FORCE

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 22:50:00 +0000

Disappointment hit my door again recently
With that started doing what I always do
Ran and drifted away with the centrifugal force
This is how I found my way back to you

I really shouldn't miss you, but I do
I'm not supposed to, but again thinking of you

At every corner, something I want to avoid
Reminding me of my never-ending pain
So that's why I joined on the centrifugal force
And how I found my place in the rain

I really shouldn't think about you, but I do
I'm not supposed to, but again missing you

CELESTIAL DREAMS

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Fri, 15 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I'm deep inside the night with a smile on my face
My soul goes on a flight, getting out of my place
Floating with the clouds, shining with the stars
Leaving the crowd behind, breaking out the bars

My journey continues as the dawn breaks
The city underneath slowly awakes
But I'm already awake, having a daydream
I dream of a soul that doesn't fit the scheme

Time is passing by, but not my joy
Because my dreamworld is all mine to enjoy
Whatever I need is whenever there for me
Whomever I want is wherever here with me

In my dreamworld, the whole world is mine
Especially the one that makes it all divine
The one who gives me power to cross the line
More than any word could ever define
_______________________________
Wrote this together with my good friend Stefan. Turned out rather optimistic, but not surprised about the mood really; he has been there for me so much lately and no words can show how much I appreciate it. Sending my thanks from here. =)

FOOL

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 01:48:00 +0000

You call me 'sweetie'
But only if you need me
Other than that, you wouldn't even see
Where or how I would be

Yet I still don't say 'no'
And try to give you more
I don't even know
Why I do it anymore

I'm a fool of my own habits
Getting only bits and pieces
This is what hope made of me
Hoping things will change maybe

But they never do

RECURRING NIGHTMARE

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 01:45:00 +0000

Scared to walk down the street
Suspect every person I meet
Terrified as I turn around the corner
Don't feel safe any longer

You are in my eyes if not mind
Like a monster of whatever kind
Waiting for the right moment I'm trapped
To make your move and bring my end

You are my recurring nightmare
Always stepping out of nowhere
Stalking me when I least expect
Never giving me a chance to forget

I'M NOT

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 01:40:00 +0000

It's gotten all too obvious by now
What things will come and how
And I gave up trying long ago
I can't break the pattern anyway
So I let myself go in the flow
Get up-survive-sleep-prepare for tomorrow
But this isn't living...
I'm dead on the inside
The pulse is there but not the heart
I'm completely lost in the tide

It's always the same thing day after day
Walking on the same roads, this and that way
And I couldn't take it anymore
Trying only got my hopes up
I could never get what I fought for
Now doing what I should've done before
But there is no joy in this
Everything feels meaningless
The breath is there, but I'm not alive
I'm here, but far away nevertheless

Life is out there, I'm not
I gotta change this

LIE TO ME

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 01:30:00 +0000

Woke up with the truth lying ahead
Showing me what I could've never had
Just how much my efforts are in vain
Ready to point it out all over again

Things are simple, they don't get better
What I have to bear with forever
Why doesn't anyone bother lying to me?
Easing my pain for five minutes
Forgetting it is there

Day continued with real life all over the place
Never letting me have my place
Reminding me of what awaits me
Doomed to live on the same pace

Things are obvious, they are obnoxious
Of what's to come, no need to be curious
Why doesn't anyone bother lying to me?
To save me out of this
For a moment, don't be nauseous

It won't be alright
But the idea would be nice
Even for a second

USE ME

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 01:27:00 +0000

It wouldn't matter if I spent all my time
Fighting trying to make you feel better
Wouldn't change a thing if I gave all I had
So I could be there for you now and whenever
I'd still be the same in your eyes
And I'd be telling myself the same lies
That you'd do the same, too
But you only use me
And that's what you'll ever do

I'VE FALLEN

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 00:22:00 +0000

I've fallen for you all over again
I don't know for the which time
Though I don't think I'll ever stop giving in
Because this is where I belong
Whether I like it or not

Don't worry though
I like it

Possibilities

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 22:00:00 +0000

Ok, not exactly a masterpiece, I know. :D But I love the symbology in it and it's kind of cute. =) Hope you'll like.

HAPPY ENDING

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 12:46:00 +0000

I write stories, always aim for a good finish
Doesn't matter how, can be anything I wish
I'm writing a story about me now
Changing everything
But I will never be able to finish it
Because I don't know if I'll ever get a happy ending

All my hopes and dreams in front of me
In a pile, they may come true, or not maybe
Living a half written story
And what it'll ever be
Because no one can tell me, knowing
If I'll ever get my happy ending

Probably not though
But I'll keep believing

THIS IS ME

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 13:59:00 +0000

This is me
What world shaped me to be
My experiences are a reflection of me
My fears, my happiness
Even my agony
What I am is what I have to show for
I won't change after all this time
Not anymore
What you see is what you get
You can very well walk away
If you don't like it

WORDS

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 13:49:00 +0000

I'm a fool for words
When I don't hear them it hurts
May appear as a simple thing
But without them I die within

A little appreciation is all I want
Without them I get false doubt
Start believing in things not true
Get lost in my world of blue

BETTER THAN THIS

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 13:33:00 +0000

I was born in the wrong universe
Where everything just gets worse
Struggling in a place I don't belong
As if upon me there is a curse

Doesn't matter where I am or who
It's never enough the good I do
I'm sitting alone in this corner
Crying I'll never have what's true

Push me through the closest black hole
There I might be able to feel warm
Away from everything that I hate
And maybe find what I long for

Or maybe just die trying
I don't care really
Anything is better than this

MADNESS DAYS

t3rmin8rix@yahoo.com (Alev) — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 02:34:00 +0000

Living the madness days
Trying different ways
To make a new life
Be happier on the inside

Living the madness days
A last struggle before it ends
Making up for what I missed
So I can go more blissed

Living the madness days
Or pretending to anyways
Trying to change what's lame
Which will always remain
The same